Other mothers will tell you that becoming a parent means you will instantaneously develop a fascination with infantile excrement. I know this to be true. It all started the day I brought our baby home from the hospital and sat down to enjoy an impromptu mid-summer barbecue. Trying to keep a satiny blanket from falling off my shoulder and exposing my newly-opened milk factory to our guests, I fed her in what had become an hourly fashion. Conversation and champagne flowed in a scene that seemed, on some levels, unchanged from previous barbecues. One main difference was the fact that even shifting my weight on the wrought iron chaise lounge made my mid-section scream for another Percocet. Then there was the squiggly form underneath the blanket, silent in her sucking until...the explosion. You see, breast-fed babies have explosive poops. I'm not talking fart noises that a grown woman might emit, causing her to blush and giggle; or the male kind that elicits proud grunts and pats on the back from impressed buddies. I am talking bonafide, rip-roaring, projectile poops. When you're lucky, they're confined to the diaper. When you're not, they shoot up the back or out a side pocket. When you're unluckier still, you are in the process of changing the baby, with a used diaper on one side, a clean one on the other, and your wipey-holding hand held up like a bulls-eye at the firing range. Anyway, this first time, I didn't know what babies could do. The hills were alive with the sound of shit. Conversation stopped as our friends looked for the source. Mother's Milk-duds. Breastfed Beefs. I began laughing and couldn't stop. It smelled like breakfast sausage. I laughed some more at everyone else's confusion. "It was her!" I roared, gazing in adoration at my dear, dear daughter as the blanket fell off, revealing one pale boob and a baby who didn't even have the decency to blush.

Both looking delightfully skewed, mother and daughter arrive home from the hospital after a
harrowing c-section.


Anonymous Percocet Side Effects said...

My name is Monica Stone and i would like to show you my personal experience with Percocet.

I am 35 years old. Have been on Percocet for 7 days now. It did help the pain but the side effects weren't worth it. I'd rather have the pain.

I have experienced some of these side effects-
nausea, very itchy, racing heart, anxiety, flashing lights(almost hallucinogenic?), weird dreams, tiredness

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Monica Stone

3:37 PM  

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